I remember when I used to look forward to birthdays. I\'d barely be able to sleep for the entire preceding week. I\'d wonder if I\'d really get my wish if I blew out all the candles. I wondered if I\'d have a surprise party...now, I don\'t look forward to birthdays at all. I think hitting my thirties has not agreed with me all too well and I\'ve been forced to reflect upon my life as though it were my last days it seems.

I don\'t want to sound so dramatic, but I look back on where I wanted to be, where I thought I\'d be, and compare that to where I really am. Let\'s see:

• Family -- check...I win here, I\'ve got an incredible wife, (insanely gorgeous) and a beautiful little girl. These two are the center of my little universe and they both certainly keep me spinning.
• Job -- check...sorta...I mean, I got in the computers to make money, and I was for a long time doing just that...making good money. I think I was paid incredibly well, the problem is, either the market has really changed, or I had too much too soon. I make now, exactly what I was making 5 years ago when I left my \"big corporate\" job. Perhaps, that is why I made what I did, because I wouldn\'t wish that work week on my worst enemy. Still, I was supposed to be in the 100K range by now back in my \"days of planning\" or at least really close to that. And...I used to think I was great at my job...so much so, that I was cocky...cocky as a high-school trumpet player. Man, I thought I was the *shiznit* as they say. Now for the first time in my career, I feel like I have mediocre talent, even weaker motivation and feel like I am constantly paddling like hell just to keep my head above water.
  Don\'t get me wrong...I love what I do, and I actually get to work with Linux which is something I\'ve wanted to do forever, but I am feeling the pain of doing what I do for a living. It forces me to live somewhere that I really don\'t want to live. Who the hell wants to pay 60K for a lot the size of some people\'s garages only to have inconsiderate neighbors lighting off M-80\'s on a Tuesday night well after the 4th of July? Who wants to hear the highway 2 miles away? At this point, I am really hoping I get the courage up to ask my current employers about telecommuting, or begin the job search. Who knows, I may not be happy on a 38 acre parcel out in the middle of nowhere, but I sure would like the opportunity to make up my mind....anyway, enough of that, that was a long bullet point...*phew*
• Fatherhood -- okay, I win here too, (see first bullet point) however I am not nearly as skilled at it as I thought I\'d be. Today was the perfect testament to that. Carrie was ill all day so I had to stay home and take care of her and Liv. Good thing Carrie was sleeping most of the time because Liv put me to the test. I LOVED IT, but...ten minutes into our day together she managed to sneak out of my sight just long enough to pull a rather heavy statue off an end-table on onto her face leaving a lovely little gash under her eye. She decided that she really didn\'t want to eat anything but Cheerio\'s, (those things are like crack for babies...I swear), and tonight she had a meltdown in which *I* had no clue how to resolve and in turn wound up drawing Carrie back to the land of the living to calm her. It\'s been a rough day, needless to say, and may not be any different tomorrow as Carrie is still down for the count as of 9:00PM tonight.
• Friends -- I have friends...well...some friends...okay...a couple of friends and some work aquaintances. The friend department wasn\'t too plentiful in high-school and it seems not much has changed. Granted I did pick up my life and move a few times, but still...sheesh...
• Money/House -- see second bullet point...

It seems I\'ve gone on self loathing long enough...It\'s just that I still can\'t help but wonder if there\'s something out there that I am *supposed* to do. Carrie & I both believe that we ALL are born with something that we are naturally *gifted* and geared toward, but its a matter of finding that one thing you do better than anyone else. Not so you can say \"Ha, I\'m better than at this than...\" but so you can truly enjoy the reward of finding what it is you LOVE to do and doing it with such passion that you\'ve no choice but to succeed. I really hope to find that thing someday. I used to think it was music and who knows, maybe it is. Maybe my recent pangs for picking up my horn again are trying to tell me something, or maybe, I just miss making music. Either way, I can only hope that I find it someday. Honestly I dont\' want to be in this same place next year at my birthday wondering the same things. (And then b*tching to you all about them).

Overall, (though you probably couldn\'t tell from this bunch of rambling), I am a happy man. I\'ve got TONS to be thankful for. It\'s just a matter of remember those things when it comes time to blow out the candles on your cake. (Speaking of which, I still have some left and my 31-year old spare-tire of a belly is calling out to it....Goodnight....